i've always been the kind of person, who likes to sit in the most deserted area in the room and just observe people around me without being noticed.

i liked doing that. lost in my own thoughts, making my own assumptions, just.. thinking. or maybe that's just a pathetic excuse i made up for myself for never being in the midst of things. i sometimes feel uncomfortable being in the spotlight.

in the past months, i lost traits of that. i didn't care where i sat anymore, as long as the right people are with me, i dont care if i'm being 'watched'.

recently however, i find myself falling back into the same patterns. when i'm in the library, i start noticing who are the people around me, who are walking past. i forgot doing that in a long time. but now i'm back to the old habbits.

thanks to a certain someone.

that certain someone used to pop up right next to me unexpected and see what i'm doing. few times, i was caught totally off guard and i was blogging.

for 1 thing, i hate having people i know next to me when i blog, cause things i blog are usually quite personal and although i dont mind people knowing, i'm not the type who goes around telling people, 'hey!! go read my blog so you can know whether i'm emo or not now!!'

for another, nobody in college knows my blog url. ( or so i thought, chill~ i'm not mad or anything, i knew it was just a matter of time )in the beginnig, i didn't want anybody in college to know about my blog was because it was a new beginning to me. college is a new start. for me to become who i want to be. i did not want people to compare and see how different i was from what i am. then, slowly, when i really started blogging to express myself, i realise i didn't want my friends in college to read my blog.

i see my friends everyday. they tell me things about themselves, they complain, and gossip. i listen, i give my opinions, and i join in. however, one thing slightly different between me and my friends are that, i hide my emotions... well.

everybody has times when they hide how they feel, but not everybody are sucessful. when i go out for walks, it's obvious i'm not in my best mood. but sometimes, even when i'm laughing with them and telling jokes, doesn't always mean i'm in my best either.

you won't know me unless i let you.

i think, for me, i dont want to worry my friends or spoil the day or mood for my friends, that's why i either walk off, or just hide my feelings.

so anyway, yeah, after being caught off guard a few times, i am now back to my old, constantly-alert-of-surrounding-mode.

and... it hurts.

i knew i had something for him and i let myself. i dont think he owes me anything like an apology or explaination cause, there was nothing official there, to begin with. so there's nothing to be upset too, i guess :)

there, my first smiley since monday. it felt wrong typing a smiley, but i'll be okay :) i just need to let go...

too bad letting go isn't what i do best. took me a full 18 months to forget the last guy i had a mere crush on. i wonder how long is this gonna take? maybe if i try hard enough i can do it in a month :D




ps, doing things to make me happy when i'm upset doesn't help in the long run, it distracts me but it doesn't solve the problem. that being said, i always appreciate what my friends do for me when i am in states like that.

pps. seriously, i'll be okay :) i dont fall for people easily. and i still dont believe i have. there's just this little bit of feelings there that i will definately wipe off with time :)