i have lots to say, as usual, but i dont know where to start :s

for 1 thing, i found out more about myself.
i like to know what i'm feeling,
understand why i'm feeling that,
and rationalise why am i doing what i'm doing.

so, i recently found out, to my surprise, i'm stuck in my comfort zone for far longer than what i would usually allow myself.
2-3 months maybe?
i've been so used to my group of friends,
i dont bother making new ones anymore!
which, i find, bothers me.
what happened to the enthusiastic me?
the person who gets herself a seat next to the new person in bus, shakes their hand, smile, and gives them a BIG 'hi~!!'???

recently, the bus is flooded with people.
my curiosity caught up with me.
awww... such interesting looking people!!
but i didn't feel like talking to them.
i just felt like getting my usual seat on the bus and doze off till i reach college.

'u're in u're comfort zone and u're too lazy to leave'
quote, my bro.

struck me hard in the face.
why? i wonder?
maybe i'm too tired.
i want my rest on the bus.

or maybe, like my bro say, i'm stuck.
comfortably stuck?

anyway, qiqi told me she found a girl in her class who is currently taking a degree in sunway who might solve our transport problem.
so, from then onwards,
i waont have to stay till 5.30pm
i wont have to wake up at 6am.
i wont have to reach home at 7pm.

but,
it felt weired.
a bit wrong actually.
i didn't like depending on people in the first place, that's obvious.
but,
i realise.
i just might be more attached to this jerking, late, problematic vehicle with all it's interesting people and UFO lights than i thought.
i didn't really feel like taking any other transport.

despite all it's disadvatages,
this bus actually helped me quite abit too.
i was able to go on9 during all my 'free time' while waiting to get on the bus at 5.30 ( since i dont get to go on9 at home)
i am able to relax as when i want after class.
i can go any where i want with my friends without my parents knowing as long as i appear to be taking the bus ;x
AND
if i have a car.
i'm not even sure if i can cope with my studies.
i think i'll go party, yumcha, movie, makan all day long.

i'm crazy and i know.

therefore, avoid temptation.
avoid car :)

oh, and i love my sleep in the bus ;)

oh oh, there was parent's lecturer's day!!
i went with my dad, the person who never agreed to my course :/
i told him i failed all my papers.
just so he's prepared.
he told me
'WHAT?! all FAIL??? no need to study edi la u!!'
=.=
why is it a surprise???
isn't that normal?? :(

anyway, met the lecturers.
all of them were pretty shock to see my marks.
since they have no idea what are the student's names, now do they mark our papers personally, they thought i was a studius, smart, good girl.

man, how wrong they were.

anyway...
i dont know what was it with me.
maybe i'm a little too confident for my own good but,
i convinced all my lecturers not to worry about me,
i know what i'm doing,
i know what to do,
and i'll pass all their papers....

GOSH!!!

wtheck??
why did i say that? *sigh*
i guess,
i just cant stand having people being worried about me :(

anyway, they've got enough to handle, right?
who needs another stupid, problematic student??

but yeah, i managed to fully convince my lecturer's AND my DAD that i'm okay.
my dad was actually pretty happy when we left ==
and when i told my lecturer i'm failing her paper this exam but CONVINCE her that it's ONLY because there was too little time and i'll be great, she smiled and said okay
....
she's okay with me failing her paper??!!
i salute to my own talent in convincing people xP
or maybe they are just too trusting :/

i even told my dad i'm glad i'm a regular fail-er
makes me a stronger person =.=
builds character.
and he bought it =.=

that's all peeps.
gotta go study.
exam tmr.
have to live up my 'expectations'
haih...

GAMBATEH~~!!!!
ciao~~ :)

ps, despite what happened exactly 2 weeks and 1 day ago, i'm doing well. still get emo at times, feel myself getting more vulnerable in this sense but i think i'm speedily recovering :D one of my friends told me even after 2 years, she still misses her ex once in a while. so i guess i'm normal and on the right track. i actually find it better for me when i talk to him instead of avoiding him :s wonder why's that?

past few days have been quite happy ones. it felt very 'full'? like i spent my days well, not wasted any time :)

went midvalley with pc, becca, selva and another neighbour of becca's. sorry! i kinda forgot the name >.< oh well, it's been SUCH a long time since i saw pc and becca, was quite excited. then again, there's this guilty feeling poping in and out once in a while for not having told my mum about this outing x( i'm a bad girl

oh, 'rango' was abit of a disappointment. i thought it'll be funnier.

oh, and we went window shopping!!! :D i was sooo sorely tempted to buy the blouse and the crop- top from cotton on. thank goodness pc told me it looked kinda old and that i was abit out of cash. when i went to pyramid to look at the same blouse again on monday. i didn't like it very much and my friend with me told me it looked abit old too.

i buy on impulse :x

which is why i dont go shopping alone, cause i'll buy alot of junk i end up not wearing. AND i've been trying to control myself ==

stupid girl next to me now ==
have to go for lunch ==
bye for now!! :D


ps. i'm quiting fb for a week!!! dont msg me :)

i've always been the kind of person, who likes to sit in the most deserted area in the room and just observe people around me without being noticed.

i liked doing that. lost in my own thoughts, making my own assumptions, just.. thinking. or maybe that's just a pathetic excuse i made up for myself for never being in the midst of things. i sometimes feel uncomfortable being in the spotlight.

in the past months, i lost traits of that. i didn't care where i sat anymore, as long as the right people are with me, i dont care if i'm being 'watched'.

recently however, i find myself falling back into the same patterns. when i'm in the library, i start noticing who are the people around me, who are walking past. i forgot doing that in a long time. but now i'm back to the old habbits.

thanks to a certain someone.

that certain someone used to pop up right next to me unexpected and see what i'm doing. few times, i was caught totally off guard and i was blogging.

for 1 thing, i hate having people i know next to me when i blog, cause things i blog are usually quite personal and although i dont mind people knowing, i'm not the type who goes around telling people, 'hey!! go read my blog so you can know whether i'm emo or not now!!'

for another, nobody in college knows my blog url. ( or so i thought, chill~ i'm not mad or anything, i knew it was just a matter of time )in the beginnig, i didn't want anybody in college to know about my blog was because it was a new beginning to me. college is a new start. for me to become who i want to be. i did not want people to compare and see how different i was from what i am. then, slowly, when i really started blogging to express myself, i realise i didn't want my friends in college to read my blog.

i see my friends everyday. they tell me things about themselves, they complain, and gossip. i listen, i give my opinions, and i join in. however, one thing slightly different between me and my friends are that, i hide my emotions... well.

everybody has times when they hide how they feel, but not everybody are sucessful. when i go out for walks, it's obvious i'm not in my best mood. but sometimes, even when i'm laughing with them and telling jokes, doesn't always mean i'm in my best either.

you won't know me unless i let you.

i think, for me, i dont want to worry my friends or spoil the day or mood for my friends, that's why i either walk off, or just hide my feelings.

so anyway, yeah, after being caught off guard a few times, i am now back to my old, constantly-alert-of-surrounding-mode.

and... it hurts.

i knew i had something for him and i let myself. i dont think he owes me anything like an apology or explaination cause, there was nothing official there, to begin with. so there's nothing to be upset too, i guess :)

there, my first smiley since monday. it felt wrong typing a smiley, but i'll be okay :) i just need to let go...

too bad letting go isn't what i do best. took me a full 18 months to forget the last guy i had a mere crush on. i wonder how long is this gonna take? maybe if i try hard enough i can do it in a month :D




ps, doing things to make me happy when i'm upset doesn't help in the long run, it distracts me but it doesn't solve the problem. that being said, i always appreciate what my friends do for me when i am in states like that.

pps. seriously, i'll be okay :) i dont fall for people easily. and i still dont believe i have. there's just this little bit of feelings there that i will definately wipe off with time :)

the past

every second u're using is going to be your history. time passses the same for all of us. it's just what happens around us that makes us feel as if time passes faster or slower.

for me, any time i'm NOT daydreaming, with people, listening to music i like or watching a show is time passing slowly.

then, there are times when, even though time passes slowly, a sudden change in events or a shock can make EVERYTHING suddenly feel so distant.

since the last time i blogged.quite alot happened actually. always wanted to blog it but hadn't the time or i had someone close by.

feels like another decade ago now...

last week, i lost my mechanicle pencil. quite upset about it. it was with me since secondary school. blue, smooth, withstand dropping, and just the right feel.

then, on tuesday, suzanne called me out for lunch. pleasent surprise. it was ages since i saw her. she's as pretty and easy to get along as ever.

after class, pig gave me a lesson. a driving lesson. in eva's SERENA. huh, figured i'de never be one of those who'll need lessons after getting my license. however, due to constant reminder from my mum that my license was 'bought', i kinda lost my guts to drive. but it's kind of cool to think that the first car i drive after getting my license, is a huge MPV. ha!!

on thursday. i got ffk'ed. i wont say i was happy about it because i wasn't. kinda left me in a emotional state. i sent a message to amy, askig if she wants to go to the night market. i dont know what was i expecting, a 'no'? it was like a desperate act to show that nothing was turnig out for me that day, i guess. what a sadist.

to my utter surprise, she said 'ok de'... she made my day. just like that. but we didn't go to the night market, she wasn't keen, went to her house for dinner instead. her family was, as usual, more friendly than any average families.

we talked.

actually, she talked. i listen.

i kind of forgot i used to talk alot. i used to be the one searching out others to listen to me. now, i serch out others to talk to me.

she said i have no standing of my own. cause i dont seem to have any opinion, whatsoever... maybe it's true... now?

on friday. went taylors. bought a cake for vivien in pyramid, her b'day being the next day. alot of great memories that day. memories that were so gret, they seem like they were plucked from a dream... and they might just as well stay that way...


woke up cring on saturday. high fever. went to lok yee's house later that day, and her mum tried to drunk me with cocktails one after another.

baking on sunday. a success. but, i'm not in the mood to celebrate. mainly cause....


monday. shock. denial. emo. internal struggle.

sorry peeps. i still cant get myself to type all this out. the shock, the struggle, isn't gonna leave as soon as i want it.
:(

oh, i failed f6

history :(

everything feels so familiar.

the lies. the gradual distance. the akwardness. the gossip. the hidden truth. the complicatedness.

when there are cracks in a relationship, there are signs.i just hope it recovers soon enough :(





yeah, i'm emo. failed my law progress test.Badly.
quarelled with my mum yesterday.
rejected an outing i would have loved to go, but got ffk'ed to another outing i was anticipating which was also the reason i rejected the first.

gosh, why am i complaining?
i'm such a whimp :(

uh huh~

i twisted my leg.

during the first half an hour of my free taekwondo trail class. apparently, i look so dead/lifeless, i was constantly approached by random people from the class to check whether i was alive >.< mostly the instructor though. guess he was worried to lose a student :x