i did it.
i finally officialised it on FB.
...............
alot happened in this few months.
drama, dissapointment, happiness, conflict...
i made 2 very important decisions this few months.
1 was to pick which paper i should take.
the other, was an internal struggle as to whether i wanted to do what any other reasonable person would hav done, or take up the challenge of being different and do what i would consider only a blinded immatured kid would do.
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when i first got my results, i was at the pit. i couldn't believe, yet i could believe that i got what i got.
i hid and ignored all my calls.
nobody made much sense that day but i'm grateful anyway. i was worried of how people will react when they hear of my results and what they will think of me. i am very self concious in that way :/
then i had to decide what paper to take.
i wanted to take a paer i am currently sitting for because i know i'll miss them ALOT if i am cut off totally from them.
then i wanted to take some papers i failed last sem because i know i can definately do it this time. and if i delay, i might not have the guts to face it next sem.
so i wanted to take 4 papers.
and damn, i got screamed/persuaded/threatened out of this idea, which, to everybody else, is as insane as saying i'm going to commit suicide.
took me 2 whole weeks to decide but i'm glad i made up my mind. it's tiring :/.
so i picked 3 papers. 2 that i failed and 1 more that i'm doing now :/
hope all goes well from now on, accademically. i'll probably do something stupid if it doesn't >< x(
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the second, was to decide if i wanted to end something i should have but did start or to go along with it.
no, it's not a full story, nobody knows the full story, and i'm not planning to tell anytime soon.
yes, there's this guy i thought was cute since waaayy long ago. i knew we had something but i wasn't sure, didn't believe it and didn't know what to do about it.
so yes, many things happened, alot of conflict and misunderstanding took place. mainly due to bad timing :/ maybe we just weren't meant to b with each other then
and anyway, i'm kinda glad some of this conflict took place. it took alot of doubts from me.
so yeah, we kinda expressed our feelings for each other in a blurred, rushed, very embarrassed manner.
it was mutual.
i didn't know what to expect or what to do about it. we talked it through, and cleared many misunderstandings but yet, there was something there, an internal struggle.
do i want to b with this guy? why? just because i feel something for him? i'm losing time with my friends if i'm with him and... it feels weired.
dont get me wrong, i really do like the guy. but i dont like having to give up on other things such as time with my other friends.
so i avoided him :/
he got emo when he saw me avoiding him. i think i made it quite obvious. it was totally unintentional though. and i melted, and was super nice to him that day.
GAAAHH.. what an annoying, problematic internal struggle.
THEN, before anything else happened, i found out he might b going UK.
that totally changed my priorities.
i told myself, i'll end this if he's going.
i stuck firm to my decision, but i couldn't bear asking him.
i finally did. after around 2 weeks.
he was very quiet and told me it's true. he might b leaving. then, he asked.. ''so can we still b close?''
i told him yes, cause things was still unconfirmed.
but i didn't make up my mind then if he really did leave, what would i do. whenever the question pops out in my mind, i ignored it.
so when it WAS confirmed that he was going, i was in a huge dilemma.
i realised i like him, ALOT.
i didn't want to go through the pain i been through with him again since the last hiccup.
but if i continued, wouldn't it be worst?
><
it took me 3 sleepless nights to figure it out.
there were many factors involved to consider.
i first decided i didn't want it because it'll be a burden to him and i didn't really think he could.
he told me enough to b able to trust him. and anyway, i wasn't afraid of being hurt anymore, hurt is as much part of life as happiness :)
then i doubted myself. that was harder to solve. but i decided :)
i'm going for it.
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he's gone already.
it's been 6 days since i last saw him.
everyday is pretty much a torture.... i actually dreamed he came back D: stupid dream.... but its getting easier.
atleast now i can predict when he'll be online and when i can chat with him. eventhough it means waking up at 5am :)
and no, i haven't got myself a skype account.
so yeah, officialised it ytd on FB. till now, the 'likes' went up to 59 and 27 comments. none from me.
i feel flattered that he is willing to change his FB status but there is a kind of pressure too and... there are other disturbing issues that follows it.
so yeah, for now, i'm not sure what is it i'm feeling for him and if he is worth this whole lot of sacrifice, but i do know that i get very happy just being able to msg him and getting his replies.
:)
