i did it.

i finally officialised it on FB.

...............

alot happened in this few months.

drama, dissapointment, happiness, conflict...

i made 2 very important decisions this few months.

1 was to pick which paper i should take.

the other, was an internal struggle as to whether i wanted to do what any other reasonable person would hav done, or take up the challenge of being different and do what i would consider only a blinded immatured kid would do.

-------------------------------

when i first got my results, i was at the pit. i couldn't believe, yet i could believe that i got what i got.

i hid and ignored all my calls.

nobody made much sense that day but i'm grateful anyway. i was worried of how people will react when they hear of my results and what they will think of me. i am very self concious in that way :/

then i had to decide what paper to take.

i wanted to take a paer i am currently sitting for because i know i'll miss them ALOT if i am cut off totally from them.

then i wanted to take some papers i failed last sem because i know i can definately do it this time. and if i delay, i might not have the guts to face it next sem.

so i wanted to take 4 papers.

and damn, i got screamed/persuaded/threatened out of this idea, which, to everybody else, is as insane as saying i'm going to commit suicide.

took me 2 whole weeks to decide but i'm glad i made up my mind. it's tiring :/.

so i picked 3 papers. 2 that i failed and 1 more that i'm doing now :/

hope all goes well from now on, accademically. i'll probably do something stupid if it doesn't >< x(

----------------------------------------------------------

the second, was to decide if i wanted to end something i should have but did start or to go along with it.

no, it's not a full story, nobody knows the full story, and i'm not planning to tell anytime soon.

yes, there's this guy i thought was cute since waaayy long ago. i knew we had something but i wasn't sure, didn't believe it and didn't know what to do about it.

so yes, many things happened, alot of conflict and misunderstanding took place. mainly due to bad timing :/ maybe we just weren't meant to b with each other then

and anyway, i'm kinda glad some of this conflict took place. it took alot of doubts from me.

so yeah, we kinda expressed our feelings for each other in a blurred, rushed, very embarrassed manner.

it was mutual.

i didn't know what to expect or what to do about it. we talked it through, and cleared many misunderstandings but yet, there was something there, an internal struggle.

do i want to b with this guy? why? just because i feel something for him? i'm losing time with my friends if i'm with him and... it feels weired.

dont get me wrong, i really do like the guy. but i dont like having to give up on other things such as time with my other friends.

so i avoided him :/

he got emo when he saw me avoiding him. i think i made it quite obvious. it was totally unintentional though. and i melted, and was super nice to him that day.

GAAAHH.. what an annoying, problematic internal struggle.

THEN, before anything else happened, i found out he might b going UK.

that totally changed my priorities.

i told myself, i'll end this if he's going.

i stuck firm to my decision, but i couldn't bear asking him.

i finally did. after around 2 weeks.

he was very quiet and told me it's true. he might b leaving. then, he asked.. ''so can we still b close?''

i told him yes, cause things was still unconfirmed.

but i didn't make up my mind then if he really did leave, what would i do. whenever the question pops out in my mind, i ignored it.

so when it WAS confirmed that he was going, i was in a huge dilemma.

i realised i like him, ALOT.

i didn't want to go through the pain i been through with him again since the last hiccup.

but if i continued, wouldn't it be worst?

><

it took me 3 sleepless nights to figure it out.

there were many factors involved to consider.

i first decided i didn't want it because it'll be a burden to him and i didn't really think he could.

he told me enough to b able to trust him. and anyway, i wasn't afraid of being hurt anymore, hurt is as much part of life as happiness :)

then i doubted myself. that was harder to solve. but i decided :)

i'm going for it.

----------------------------------------------

he's gone already.

it's been 6 days since i last saw him.

everyday is pretty much a torture.... i actually dreamed he came back D: stupid dream.... but its getting easier.

atleast now i can predict when he'll be online and when i can chat with him. eventhough it means waking up at 5am :)

and no, i haven't got myself a skype account.

so yeah, officialised it ytd on FB. till now, the 'likes' went up to 59 and 27 comments. none from me.

i feel flattered that he is willing to change his FB status but there is a kind of pressure too and... there are other disturbing issues that follows it.

so yeah, for now, i'm not sure what is it i'm feeling for him and if he is worth this whole lot of sacrifice, but i do know that i get very happy just being able to msg him and getting his replies.


:)

it's been ages since i last typed.

sometimes i think, is there still a point, blogging when i feel like it? i dont wish for people to read it yet, i hate having things all cooked up inside :(

it's been a unproductive and dissapointing day.

who am i? i keep wondering. i want to be the good natured person but i cant. i, but......

argh, forget it.

i'm just depressed.

dont mind me.

i am afterall VERY independent.

so independent in fact,

that when i reallly need or want people next to me,

they tell me,

"u ok?"

or

"she's very positive, u'll sort this out yourself, wont you , dear?"

and i'll just keep my mouth shut

my heart closed

and smile my happy confident smile.

















i'm sorry if it's all messed up, i'm just typing anything that crosses my mind without arranging them :/ dont bother understanding them.

you wont.

i have lots to say, as usual, but i dont know where to start :s

for 1 thing, i found out more about myself.
i like to know what i'm feeling,
understand why i'm feeling that,
and rationalise why am i doing what i'm doing.

so, i recently found out, to my surprise, i'm stuck in my comfort zone for far longer than what i would usually allow myself.
2-3 months maybe?
i've been so used to my group of friends,
i dont bother making new ones anymore!
which, i find, bothers me.
what happened to the enthusiastic me?
the person who gets herself a seat next to the new person in bus, shakes their hand, smile, and gives them a BIG 'hi~!!'???

recently, the bus is flooded with people.
my curiosity caught up with me.
awww... such interesting looking people!!
but i didn't feel like talking to them.
i just felt like getting my usual seat on the bus and doze off till i reach college.

'u're in u're comfort zone and u're too lazy to leave'
quote, my bro.

struck me hard in the face.
why? i wonder?
maybe i'm too tired.
i want my rest on the bus.

or maybe, like my bro say, i'm stuck.
comfortably stuck?

anyway, qiqi told me she found a girl in her class who is currently taking a degree in sunway who might solve our transport problem.
so, from then onwards,
i waont have to stay till 5.30pm
i wont have to wake up at 6am.
i wont have to reach home at 7pm.

but,
it felt weired.
a bit wrong actually.
i didn't like depending on people in the first place, that's obvious.
but,
i realise.
i just might be more attached to this jerking, late, problematic vehicle with all it's interesting people and UFO lights than i thought.
i didn't really feel like taking any other transport.

despite all it's disadvatages,
this bus actually helped me quite abit too.
i was able to go on9 during all my 'free time' while waiting to get on the bus at 5.30 ( since i dont get to go on9 at home)
i am able to relax as when i want after class.
i can go any where i want with my friends without my parents knowing as long as i appear to be taking the bus ;x
AND
if i have a car.
i'm not even sure if i can cope with my studies.
i think i'll go party, yumcha, movie, makan all day long.

i'm crazy and i know.

therefore, avoid temptation.
avoid car :)

oh, and i love my sleep in the bus ;)

oh oh, there was parent's lecturer's day!!
i went with my dad, the person who never agreed to my course :/
i told him i failed all my papers.
just so he's prepared.
he told me
'WHAT?! all FAIL??? no need to study edi la u!!'
=.=
why is it a surprise???
isn't that normal?? :(

anyway, met the lecturers.
all of them were pretty shock to see my marks.
since they have no idea what are the student's names, now do they mark our papers personally, they thought i was a studius, smart, good girl.

man, how wrong they were.

anyway...
i dont know what was it with me.
maybe i'm a little too confident for my own good but,
i convinced all my lecturers not to worry about me,
i know what i'm doing,
i know what to do,
and i'll pass all their papers....

GOSH!!!

wtheck??
why did i say that? *sigh*
i guess,
i just cant stand having people being worried about me :(

anyway, they've got enough to handle, right?
who needs another stupid, problematic student??

but yeah, i managed to fully convince my lecturer's AND my DAD that i'm okay.
my dad was actually pretty happy when we left ==
and when i told my lecturer i'm failing her paper this exam but CONVINCE her that it's ONLY because there was too little time and i'll be great, she smiled and said okay
....
she's okay with me failing her paper??!!
i salute to my own talent in convincing people xP
or maybe they are just too trusting :/

i even told my dad i'm glad i'm a regular fail-er
makes me a stronger person =.=
builds character.
and he bought it =.=

that's all peeps.
gotta go study.
exam tmr.
have to live up my 'expectations'
haih...

GAMBATEH~~!!!!
ciao~~ :)

ps, despite what happened exactly 2 weeks and 1 day ago, i'm doing well. still get emo at times, feel myself getting more vulnerable in this sense but i think i'm speedily recovering :D one of my friends told me even after 2 years, she still misses her ex once in a while. so i guess i'm normal and on the right track. i actually find it better for me when i talk to him instead of avoiding him :s wonder why's that?

past few days have been quite happy ones. it felt very 'full'? like i spent my days well, not wasted any time :)

went midvalley with pc, becca, selva and another neighbour of becca's. sorry! i kinda forgot the name >.< oh well, it's been SUCH a long time since i saw pc and becca, was quite excited. then again, there's this guilty feeling poping in and out once in a while for not having told my mum about this outing x( i'm a bad girl

oh, 'rango' was abit of a disappointment. i thought it'll be funnier.

oh, and we went window shopping!!! :D i was sooo sorely tempted to buy the blouse and the crop- top from cotton on. thank goodness pc told me it looked kinda old and that i was abit out of cash. when i went to pyramid to look at the same blouse again on monday. i didn't like it very much and my friend with me told me it looked abit old too.

i buy on impulse :x

which is why i dont go shopping alone, cause i'll buy alot of junk i end up not wearing. AND i've been trying to control myself ==

stupid girl next to me now ==
have to go for lunch ==
bye for now!! :D


ps. i'm quiting fb for a week!!! dont msg me :)

i've always been the kind of person, who likes to sit in the most deserted area in the room and just observe people around me without being noticed.

i liked doing that. lost in my own thoughts, making my own assumptions, just.. thinking. or maybe that's just a pathetic excuse i made up for myself for never being in the midst of things. i sometimes feel uncomfortable being in the spotlight.

in the past months, i lost traits of that. i didn't care where i sat anymore, as long as the right people are with me, i dont care if i'm being 'watched'.

recently however, i find myself falling back into the same patterns. when i'm in the library, i start noticing who are the people around me, who are walking past. i forgot doing that in a long time. but now i'm back to the old habbits.

thanks to a certain someone.

that certain someone used to pop up right next to me unexpected and see what i'm doing. few times, i was caught totally off guard and i was blogging.

for 1 thing, i hate having people i know next to me when i blog, cause things i blog are usually quite personal and although i dont mind people knowing, i'm not the type who goes around telling people, 'hey!! go read my blog so you can know whether i'm emo or not now!!'

for another, nobody in college knows my blog url. ( or so i thought, chill~ i'm not mad or anything, i knew it was just a matter of time )in the beginnig, i didn't want anybody in college to know about my blog was because it was a new beginning to me. college is a new start. for me to become who i want to be. i did not want people to compare and see how different i was from what i am. then, slowly, when i really started blogging to express myself, i realise i didn't want my friends in college to read my blog.

i see my friends everyday. they tell me things about themselves, they complain, and gossip. i listen, i give my opinions, and i join in. however, one thing slightly different between me and my friends are that, i hide my emotions... well.

everybody has times when they hide how they feel, but not everybody are sucessful. when i go out for walks, it's obvious i'm not in my best mood. but sometimes, even when i'm laughing with them and telling jokes, doesn't always mean i'm in my best either.

you won't know me unless i let you.

i think, for me, i dont want to worry my friends or spoil the day or mood for my friends, that's why i either walk off, or just hide my feelings.

so anyway, yeah, after being caught off guard a few times, i am now back to my old, constantly-alert-of-surrounding-mode.

and... it hurts.

i knew i had something for him and i let myself. i dont think he owes me anything like an apology or explaination cause, there was nothing official there, to begin with. so there's nothing to be upset too, i guess :)

there, my first smiley since monday. it felt wrong typing a smiley, but i'll be okay :) i just need to let go...

too bad letting go isn't what i do best. took me a full 18 months to forget the last guy i had a mere crush on. i wonder how long is this gonna take? maybe if i try hard enough i can do it in a month :D




ps, doing things to make me happy when i'm upset doesn't help in the long run, it distracts me but it doesn't solve the problem. that being said, i always appreciate what my friends do for me when i am in states like that.

pps. seriously, i'll be okay :) i dont fall for people easily. and i still dont believe i have. there's just this little bit of feelings there that i will definately wipe off with time :)